IT: One Word, Many Meanings, None Of Which Are A Killer Clown

And sometimes "it" means a midlife crisis.

One morning, in the winter of 2018, I woke to my partner typing in a frenzy. A stroke of genius hit him at four in the morning and, with lightning shooting out of his fingers, he churned out the first fifteen pages of a scene that had been sparked by a conversation he had with his mother the day before. At seventy-five years old, Tor’s mom decided she was going to grow her hair long. Yes, this sounds like a simple, small thing. But for a breast cancer survivor who lost all of her hair at one point during that horrendous experience, she has also battled alopecia. So, this declaration of hair growth was, in essence, a final battle cry of reclamation. “I used to have long hair when I was younger and I’d like to have that again,” she said. One last hair “hurrah” before…before…the thing that happens when life stops.

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Not Pennywise.

The scene titled “Sex Again”, began with an older woman sitting on a bench across from an older man. She, reading a book. He, reading a paper.

After some lengthy, glances back and forth, she coyly, casually says, “I’d like to have sex again.” Confusion ensues, misunderstandings, and then, the end is left open to be book-ended later in the play. It was wonderful, and was the first play that came to my partner (to this point, we’d only written musicals) and my words to him were, “This is amazing. I love it. You should totally write this.” He tried persuading me to write it with him, but I honestly had no desire to write a play and didn’t see how I would contribute to it.

Then, like The Exorcist, I was awakened at four in the morning, head spinning with a monologue about the word “It”. How people always say, “Ohhhhh…they have that “it” factor.” Or, “He or she’s just got ‘it.’” Or as Mel Brooks wrote in The Producers, “When You’ve Got It, Flaunt It.” I pictured an older woman, chorus girl who never quite made it past the back of the line to the front, looking back at her life wondering what “it” was all about and what happens when “it’s” gone? And the following monologue flew out of my fingers.

IT Monologue from Senior Living

Woman:

“What is it? What is it about? Why is “it” so elusive? My whole life I was told I had it. That it. And I knew I had it. At least I thought I had it, but, I feel like over time, it just deteriorated or something. Like there’s just less of it as you get older. I always thought that it was gonna happen for me. And, for all intents and purposes it did. But it’s all a matter of perspective right? Some people would say I made it. But I guess in my eyes I never quite did. There were times in my life I had waves of not caring about it at all. I let it go. What is more important than it. What’s what you say? Well, what is family, kids, everyday life, dinners, playing Taboo, vacations, nursing a fever, the loss of a father. That’s what it’s about. No, that’s what what’s about. What is not it. The “it” is the star stuff. An, expression of the soul by a chosen few that toggles between elation and this nagging feeling that you’re about to lose “it” at any second. Even when you’ve got it you worry about losing it. And you try to believe it will always be there for you but, you know that day is coming when it’s gonna be gone, or at least it won’t be what it used to be. Then where will you be? Who will you be? What will you do without it? Because it defined you your whole life. I mattered because of it. So what happens when it’s gone?

(She has just revealed the biggest secret she has been hiding her whole life; that she has lost it and tries to reclaim any spark she has left of it.)

Well, who says it’s gone anyway? Who’s the judge of it?”

And we were off, co-writing Senior Living: A play about people dying to live. It went on to have a lovely life, workshopping at Cherry Lane Theatre in the West Village starring Debra Jo Rupp and directed by Judith Ivey, followed by a world premiere at Portland Stage in Maine.

Our star-studded lineup of amazing actors at the Cherry Lane Theatre.

Needless to say, turning 50 has brought the idea of “it” back to the forefront of my thoughts. Accepting that dreams once dreamed have somehow, evaporated and, now, different dreams are evolving. There is no, “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you,” like we tell our children who are embarking on literally, the rest of most of their lives. But my partner and I are staring down the barrel of the last great chapter asking, What do we want IT (the rest of what’s left of our lives) to look like?

The answers at 20 years old looked like:
Fame
Fortune
Family
(In that order.)

The answers today look like:
Days filled with love and joy and nature.
Surrounded by family as much as possible.
Being creative each and every day.
Good health.
Financially sustained.

I am curious to know, what is IT for YOU?? How has IT changed over time? looking to commiserate here on my midlife choices because I’m not drinking right now, so, I have to FEEL things.

In Laughter,
LStL

p.s. For some reason, God, The Universe, whatever entity you believe in that is connected to us all, has shoved all of that into focus and has culminated into jumping off another cliff before we have caught ourselves from the fall of France. I am terrified, I am excited, I am wondering if I’ve lost my mind, and literally don’t know how it is all going to come together. But I can’t WAIT to share the news with you when it does!

Favorite Substacks and writers on aging:
Melinda Blau co-authored of The Baby Whisperer and has recently come out with her latest life-affirming book, Wisdom Whisperers. Lucky you, she is on Substack so you can explore all her beauty, knowledge and prose on the daily!

Sari Bottom’s Oldster is a wonderful ‘Stack to read. She interviews midlifers-to-oldsters of all walks of life and offers a wealth of topical content to explore.

There are more, but these are my favorite ladies!!!