To “RIP” Or Not To “RIP”, That Is The Question…A Facebook Faux Pas
Growing up, we had a grandma who used to say country things like, “She’s a split-tailed whore”, and “They were a bunch of brazen hussies.” But of course, as grandkids we also heard a lot of, “I love youse” and “I miss youse” and “When are youse coming to visit me?” Sometimes when we were acting out she would say, “I cain’t believe that,” and then “take a switch to our asses.” How could she help from saying these kinds of things? She was from Corridon, MO, population 645, and went to a one-room schoolhouse that only went up to 8th grade.
I’ll never forget when I was ten and stayed at her house for the weekend. It was a special time because I rarely saw my mom’s mom without having to share her with all of my other cousins. It was such a grandma kinda weekend; playing solitaire from breakfast ’til dinner for two days straight at her overflowing kitchen table where we each had just enough space carved-out for our 7-card spread. It was fun drinking unlimited Coca-Colas and eating those glazed freezer donuts that needed a minute in the microwave to become sugary, greasy perfection. That Sunday morning I had all the aces lined up straight outta the gate and said, “I’ll bet I’m gonna win this one!” She retorted without missing a beat, “Never assume. It only makes an ass outta u and me.” It took my ten-year-old brain a minute to process the joke, and then we both laughed. I played out all my moves to find that indeed, I shouldn’t have assumed that I would win.
It’s been a while since I thought about that moment…until last week when I truly DID make a giant ass out of myself when responding to a Facebook post.
We’ve all been there right? You notice that a distant relative, or, someone you love but haven’t kept in touch with over the last decade or so, falls ill and has chronicled the experience on Facebook. You’ve been monitoring the situation and doing all the “thoughts and prayers” and “hearting” and “care-hug-emoji-ing”. Then, one day, their friends start posting on said loved one’s page and you know that things have taken a turn for the worse. This is the decision-making moment: Do you reach out to your distant loved one? Do you reach out to their closest relative that you are closest with? Do you stay silent and wait for the funeral info post? And if that funeral post gets posted, do you ignore it and pretend like you never saw anything at all?
This is where I was last week when all the aforementioned things happened to my cousin, Carrie. Carrie and I had reconnected a few years ago and chatted about the old days when she, her brother, and I used to play at our respective grandmas’ houses. I reminded her how she was the first one to show me how to light a match after doing a #2 in the bathroom. After a few more embarrassing stories, Carrie revealed that she had been fighting an aggressive form of cancer over the last few years but her spirits and her latest blood levels showed lots of positivity and promise for a long, cancer-free life ahead. We ended our call with her vowing to send me some pictures she’d found of us while cleaning out her grandma’s things and revealing that her nephew had the same name as my son, Colton. It was lovely. She was lovely and it appeared that, as of last week, she had left this world a better place for being in it. “RIP Carrie” was sitting there, staring at me, waiting for my next move.
Something compelled me to direct message Carrie’s brother with a heartfelt, “I’m so sorry for your loss” kind of sentiment. This is how it played out:
Me: I just saw that your sister passed away. I am so, so sorry for your loss. She was such a bright and lovely spirit. Really glad I had the chance to reconnect with her the last couple years. Sending love to you and your whole family.
Carrie’s Brother: Where did you hear that? I’m at the hospital…and she’s not gone yet?
Me: Oh God! I am so sorry! Someone posted that on FB!!
Carrie’s Brother: Yes she is dying…but she is still breathing. Who posted it?
Me: Jesus. I am sorry. It said, "RIP" on her page.
Carrie’s Brother: Her page?!?!
Me: On Facebook. Someone named Gina Horstead posted it. Ugh. Really didn't mean to upset. Huge apologies.
Carrie’s Brother: I just saw it. I don’t even know who the hell that is. I am at the hospital with her son and husband and I assure you she is not gone yet. Thank you for informing me of the post, I am going to remove it now. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, I will keep you updated if anything changes.
Me: Jesus. I wish I had an emoji to send for "shame" on myself for reaching out at all. But I hope you know it was in love and did not even THINK that someone would write "RIP" when someone wasn't gone yet!
Carrie’s Brother: LOL. I totally get it… I am greatly appreciative of you bringing it to my attention. The three of us just stepped out of her room to go downstairs to talk about hospice options. For a second, I started freaking out thinking that I missed something LOL.
Me: Phew. Thank you. Praying for you all. It is so hard. She is such a beautiful and strong woman. You have both been through so much and I am so proud of the humans you have become.
Carrie’s Brother: I know we haven’t seen you in a while…but she/we love you dearly. I will let you know as I know what is going on.
Talk about making an ASS out of U and ME??!! Oh, how I wished that I had waited that extra moment to confirm the truth before I shot off a dm to relieve my own guilt and sadness over the loss of someone who was a big part of my life growing up. In doing so, I created unnecessary fear and anxiety for someone even closer to her: her brother. Ugh. While I was wallowing in my shame, I received another direct message from him.
Carrie’s Brother: Looking for her will and her power of attorney and life insurance stuff…I open the box and this is what was right on top LOL.
I guess you could say Carrie was trying to get her brother and I to connect with one another as she danced between life and death. She succeeded.
Always check, triple check, quadruple check…if someone is alive or dead before you offer condolences. Given this cautionary tale, I assume you will. Oops. I just did it again.
In Laughter,
LStL
p.s. Below is a pic of Granny. Fyi, she took 8th grade twice because all she wanted was to continue to go to school. The guy on the left, aka Grandpa, got her knocked-up. Thank god, or I wouldn’t be here!