Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: Part 2
The other night I was getting ready for bed, doing the usual million things a middle aged woman does to prep for slumber: take magnesium, wash your face, then hyuralonic acid, color-correcting serum for age spots or melasma, then the next over-priced serum, then night cream, under eye cream, and finally, floss and brush your teeth.
As I climbed into bed, what seemed like an hour later, my partner leaned over and sniffed me saying, “Are you wearing perfume?” Now, anyone who knows me knows that I can’t stomach the stench of perfumes of ANY kind so this question was seriously bizarre. When I assured him that I wasn’t, he said, “Well, you smell good. Something’s different.” Then he kissed me goodnight, leaving me to ponder the question, “Do I normally NOT smell good to you??” But it was too late to get into this discussion so I performed my final step of my middle age process before falling asleep: taking .25 mg of a Xanax because I hadn’t slept at all the night before, thanks menopause.
The next morning I was pouring myself of a cup of coffee and he said the same thing, “You smell good.” Okay, that was it. What the actual fuck was going on??? I made him sniff me like a blood hound up and down and over and under and it came to my face, no wait, it was my head? He asked if I was using a different shampoo and that was a negative. Same conditioner. Same everything except, ahhhhh…there was one thing I started doing; something that I was ashamed of doing but HAD to do. I gasped at this truly embarrassing realization and said, “Oh my god, I know what it is.” The suspense was killing him, so I held on to the moment just a little longer than I should have before revealing the answer to the mysterious scent, “It’s Rogaine…for men.”
There was an awkward pause. Then we both began to laugh. And then of course I jokingly accused him of being gay because he liked the smell of Rogaine for men to which he asked why I couldn’t use Rogaine for women and the answer was, “because the men’s was stronger, naturally, and worked better.” Besides, who cares who it says it’s for on the box, I needed help and I needed it now! It was the last bastion of hope of getting my hair back after two bouts of Covid destroying it, not to mention it had already been getting thinner due to hormonal changes. So, the cat was out of the bag. I had audibly admitted to another human, the human who met me ten years prior when my hair was thick and beautiful, that I was going bald. Not that he should have a problem with it, after all, he’s bald too. But I’d been keeping this from him for years and now I was sure he had already started picturing me wearing headscarves, bumpits, hair pieces and finally graduating to a full-fledged wig-ola.
I started noticing a big difference in the thickness and fallout around age forty-four or so; there was more hair coming out after showers, I felt a little less full after every visit to the salon for a cut and color, and then of course, Covid happened. I guess you could say that my version of long Covid is feeling like I lost a lot of brains cells along with a lot of hair, and still haven’t found them. Why couldn’t I have lost my sense of taste instead and maybe lost that last ten pounds I’d been struggling with? But no, I can see that I’m on a short track going full-speed into becoming one of those little old Chinese ladies I see on the street who once had that rich, full, black, gorgeous hair and now have reddish-orange roots all teased-out at the base to look like it’s more than it is. But when the sun shines on it, everyone knows what it isn’t.
So alas, my dance with remedying hair loss has come full-circle. I tried using Rogaine once before but kept forgetting to do it mostly because it’s annoying and makes your roots weird. Then I was taking Nutrafol for years to the tune of $80/month to no avail. I cut my hair shorter thinking it might at least feel like less was ending up in the shower drain but that was just blatantly lying to myself. Then I tried Rogaine, aka minoxidil, orally. Now, any curious person would wonder, “Hmmmm, where exactly will this pill I’m swallowing actually make my hair grow if it isn’t being told to work ONLY on my head?” Well, the answer, at least for me, is down the left side of my body. I started to see excess hair growing on the left side of my neck, shoulder and arm. Fun. Half of me was turning into the bearded lady so I stopped that. Now I’m back to squirting that shit all over my head before bed at night.The only saving grace is that my partner is turned on by it. Who knew Rogaine for men is also an aphrodisiac!
Cautionary advice: No to Nutrafol. Yes to topical Rogaine for men. No to Rogaine by mouth. TikTok says washing your hair in rice water should do the trick. Haven’t tried that one yet. Will let you know.
Definitely hysterical I loved it.